To Think And Feel
by Estra
Summary: Slash - Freddie/Spencer For a personal experiment, Freddie tried the new "self injury" fad going along the internet. And maybe Sam's a bit too smart for her own good.


**Title: **To Think And Feel

**Author:** [A]stra

**Summary:** For a personal experiment, Freddie tried the new "self injury" fad going along the internet. And maybe Sam's a bit too smart for her own good.

**Warning:** Slash. Boys kissing. "Cutting", or more commonly known as "self injury".

* * *

Looking down at the blood in the sink, Freddie frowned. He thought it would feel more... Relieving. But it didn't. It just hurt. A lot. With a deep sigh, he pressed a towel to his left arm and closed his eyes.

He had wanted to find out what the big deal was with this "cutting" that was all over the darker parts of the internet. He had read things that said it was a stress reliever to the extreme. That it stopped the pain. But all he did was feel _more._ It didn't help at all.

Opening his eyes, he washed the blood from his arm and the sink. He had prepared the bandages just for this moment and started to wrap his arms after he applied the anesthetic. Once wrapped, he started to clean the area up and put his shirt back on. Walking over to the closed door, he cracked it open to check and see if his mum was out.

Seeing the clear hall, he walked out and scampered to his room. He closed the door behind himself and let out a relieved breath. He had to record this before e forgot all the feelings of what he felt during the whole thing. He also needed to go to Carly's place for another shoot of "iCarly."

He went around his room to get ready, but was a little worried that his friends would realize that he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt in the middle of spring. Knowing the girls, they wouldn't notice, and neither would Spencer. As long as no one asked him questions, he would be fine.

Packing his things, he left his room and waved to his mother as he left. She simply waved back from where she lie on the couch watching some daytime drama.

* * *

As he had expected, no one had called him out on his long-sleeved shirt. Freddie watched with gleaming eyes as Spencer walked in to check on them. Something about the older man made Freddie want to think some.. Ahem.. Dirty thoughts.

"Freddie! Focus!" Sam's voice breached into his mind and he turned back to the job at hand. As Carly and Sam continued working, Freddie trained his focus back, but was distracted as he saw the older man walk around in the kitchen. Only when the older man left did Freddie returned to his job.

"You know," Sam said after they finished, "I think you have a crush."

Freddie looked up from what he was doing to see the girl leaning over a chair. "Oh?" he asked. She was probably off on her mark, but the statement was true. His face was devoid of anything that could give his stance away. "How did you think of that?"

His arm itched from earlier. He didn't expect it to be such a problem, maybe he hadn't thought that the consequences would have been greater. He made a small note on how his arm hadn't itched during the shoot. Avoiding his arm, he looked at Sam.

"Well, you were a bit distracted today. And I think I know who you like," she singsonged. Her eyes went across the room to look at Carly. "I wonder what she'll say."

Freddie shrugged and looked up when Spencer re-entered the room. His eyes moved to Carly, then back to Sam. "Why don't you tell her?" he asked. "Because for some reason, I don't think you're right about who I like." He packed up all of his things and began to get up to leave.

"Oh, I'll tell her," Sam agreed with a wicked grin. She turned and hurried over to Carly. Freddie watched as they whispered to each other in low voices. He could hear Carly giggle loudly and his eyebrow went up. This wasn't how he expected her to react to anything involving his crush. After a moment of laughter, the two girls turned to look at Freddie with a smirk on each face.

Carly sauntered over to Freddie as Sam disappeared. "Freddie," Carly said she walked up to him. "Sam tells me of a small secret you've been keeping from us. What have we said about secrets?"

"That we shouldn't keep them," Freddie muttered, his thoughts straying to Spencer, then his arm.

"Precisely."

Carly's face was almost evil in a way. It scared Freddie. "So," he shrugged. "Now you know."

Carly crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head disapprovingly. "And to pay for your mistake, you'll be spending your time up here. To think over your mistake."

Carly walked away and met with Sam as the descended the stairs. Freddie was confused as to why he needed to think about his mistake alone.

"What's going on?" a voice called from away. Freddie turned his head quickly to look at Spencer.

"What did they tell you?" Freddie asked cautiously.

"That I needed to help you with overcoming your mistake. What is that supposed to mean?"

Freddie eyed the stairs that Sam and Carly walked down and frowned. "I can't believe they actually figured it out."

"What?"

Freddie turned back to Spencer and shook his head. "It's nothing."

"Not if I have to help you!"

Nodding at the valid point, he smiled. "You're right." Swiftly moving forward, he stood in front of the older man. "Are you willing to help me?"

"Yes," the reply came immediate and strong.

"Then kiss me."

"Wh-what?" Spencer fell back with a step and stared wide-eyed at the younger boy. "Kiss you?"

With a defeated sigh and a demented chuckle, Freddie took a step back. "Thought not," he said with a shake of his head. Turning around, he gave in to the itch on his arm and scratched at it.

He started walking away when a hand grabbed at his left arm, the arm with the itch. "I know that type of itch," Spencer mumbled.

"What?"

"I'm an artist, we go through several depressing stages before getting this optimistic. Show me your arm."

Freddie attempted to move away from the vice grip, but failed. "Let go."

"I don't think I will," Spencer replied as he pulled Freddie towards him. He used his other hand to pull the sleeve up on Freddie's left arm. "Bandages."

"I'm glad you're so observant," Freddie moved, halting his struggles.

"Why?"

"Wanted to know what it was all about," Freddie replied with a shrug. "Why it was so great. But it wasn't. Just hurt a lot."

Spencer began to laugh aloud at the explanation. "So," he said after calming down, "if I were to kiss you now, you wouldn't complain?"

But the older man waited for no reply as he leaned down to take Freddie's lips into a kiss. With a grin, Spencer pulled back to look at Freddie. "Thought not. Man, you're a weird one."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hey! This is a bit against my usual story(ST:2009 and Bones), but I wanted to try it anyway. Hope you guys like it and leave me a review!


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